A Stoner in Drangleic
by Oats The Pantless
Summary: I have no idea what this 'Drangleic' is, and honestly I've no interest in anything going on. I just wanted to smoke and mind my own business, but now there's people throwing useless information at me. I'm a human, and they're looking for an undead. Either way, I just wanna go home. My poor kitty is probably worried sick. Oh, and I may be running low on mary jane...shit.


"Ugh, god. Where the fuck…"

Standing up, I found myself absolutely not in Kansas anymore. It looked like the inside of a large cave, but the ground in front of me was covered in long grass. I was wearing my usual outfit, black slacks, brown sandals, plaid robe, and a pastel pink polo shirt. I shook my shaggy shoulder length hair, causing dirt and small pebbles to cascade around me.

"What is this a fucking gondala? Wait, not thats a boat... Whats the fucking word for… this!" I said, gesturing wildly at the stone structure I was standing under. "Fuck it, I don't care enough. Where is my bag?"

Finding my bag, I picked it up and took a better look at at, inspecting it for any damage. Its my messenger bag, covered in stitching and patches from various metal bands. When I did, a sudden block of text appeared and floated in the air above the bag.

"Yooooo sick nasty my dude. But what the fuck is going on here… 'Bag of the Stoned' heh nice. 'Bag of the worldly traveler, thrown across the fabric of space and time to a land never before traveled.' Well that's bullshit, is my stuff still in here at least?" I said, reading it out loud.

I rummaged through my bag, before pulling out a cigar box. I opened it up and pulled out a joint, lighting it up.

"Phew, glad that's settled. Dunno what I would do if I didn't have my shit. Anyway, I guess I better try and find a way out."

I started walking and smoking. The first area was pretty empty, it was the second area that broke that silence. Piles of bones littered the area, with what looked like large hairless dogs running around the area. I tried to pet one, and actually succeeded for a bit, before it tried to nip at me.

"Oi, bad dog. I'll fucking eat your face you little shit."

I continued walking, finding a small path to the left and completely ignoring it. There was a waterfall and a bridge, the bridge leading me to a house.

I ran up and knocked on the door. "Uhh, hello? Anyone here? I'm a bit lost and dunno whats going on."

After a couple seconds the door was opened by a young lady, clearly older than myself, but still in her 20s. "Please, come in." She said, leading the way inside.

"Oh, uh, thank you miss."

Leading me inside, there was a roaring fire warming the place up. A bit too hot for my taste, but its not my house. There were three chairs holding three elderly ladies.

"Heh heh heh… What seems to be the ruckus? Ooh, my! Your face. The face of the curse! Wait… you don't look like an undead…" The grandma closes to me said, holding her hands out and grabbing my face. "No, not an undead at all… What are you doing in this land?"

"Ma'am, I honestly don't know. I just woke up over there," I said, pointing behind me, "and now I'm trying to find my way home. You know how to get to Austin, Texas?"

"Texas?"

"Yeah, from the States? The USA? Hamburger country?"

"You sound like a fool with all those made up names, this is the land Drangleic. Undead from across the world arrive here, trying to find a cure. Eventually, they hollow, preying on men, feasting upon their souls."

"Oh sick nasty my dude- I mean, that honestly sounds horrible grandma."

"I'm not a grandmother! My name is Strowen, the Old Firekeeper."

"Well I think you are a loving, motherly figure and will continue to treat you as such, but I digress, do you know the way to the nearest town?"

The self proclaimed firekeeper merely let out a low growl of a laugh.

"Is that a nooooo?"

"What is your name?"

"Allen Dojonero.

"At least you know your own name. Here's your reward for sharing... " She said, taking what looked like a wire humanoid figurine out of her sleeve. "It's a Human Effigy. Take a closer look… Who do you think it's supposed to be?"

"I'm gonna take a shot in the dark and say its me?"

"Yes, it's an effigy of you."

"That sounds cool as hell, and I can keep it? Whats it do?"

"It staves off hollowing for a short time."

"I'm going to assume that's a good thing and take it anyway. So… about the town?"

"Just go that way, I would recommend going through the fog walls as well and learn about Drangleic." She said, jabbing a thumb behind her.

"You betcha ma'am. I'll be back eventually!" I said, stepping out the door she pointed to.

"He's going to die."

***Tutorials are for Nerds***

So as it turns out, theres these things called 'bonfires' that heal me. I thought I was losing it at first. When I sat down at the bonfire my entire high disappeared. It was immediate sobriety. So I vowed to never use a bonfire under any circumstances.

I decided, in order to spite the bonfire, to use it as a lighter for my next smoke. I walked through the small hallway slash cave to an open area. There were white smoky walls scattered around the area.

"Ho shit, 'fog walls' I geddit." I said, walking up to it. As it turns out, a fog wall doesn't just 'open' so I ran face first into what felt like a solid brick wall.

"Jesus, fucking hell my nose. Is it broken?" I said touching and feeling. I leaned my hand against the fog wall as I was inspecting my nose only to have the wall disappear, causing me to fall to the ground.

I pushed myself up and dusted my robe off. I saw what looked like a man a little further down the tunnel.

"Hey! Dude, hows it goin?" I said, walking up.

The man dashed up to me and decked me in the face.

"Fuck dude! What was that for?!" I said, backing up as he went for another swing. "One more fucking time and you're dead cunt."

He swung again.

And then I swung.

It took one hit and the man crumpled, suddenly disappearing into a flurry of white smoke which got sucked into my chest.

"Oh god he slimed me!"

***Question Time***

So as it turns out, these men slash monsters that I were fighting were hollows. I had to go back to the firekeepers and ask them what the hell was going on. So apparently, hollows are basically lifeless humans, like zombies. I can take their souls and use them to get stronger, smarter, faster, things like that. My purpose here is to kill anything that gets in my path.

"Yeah Imma hafta pass. Sounds like a shitton of work."

"But, its the destiny of the undead!"

"You said I was human, so what the fuck do I care?"

"Get out and face your destiny like an adult!"

"Geez, fine! Bye grandma!"

"Its Strowen!"

I decided to skip the 'tutorial' levels. They seemed like more work than necessary, and a lot of the messages on the stones kept talking about pressing buttons.

"I'm starting to think I'm in a video game or something… This _does _seem pretty familiar. I mighta just been too fucked up to remember it. If only there was some absolutely clear thing I could notice. Eh, fuck it, I'll figure it out eventually."

I stepped through the final tunnel of the cave and was blasted by the infinite rays of the sun.

"Goddamn, thats a bright fucking sun. Jesus fuck, can we turn that down a little bit?"

A little bit down the path I saw what looked like the remains of a town.

I walked down the path into the town and saw another bonfire. I spit at it as I passed and looked around. Directly ahead there was a burly green ban sitting in front of a nearly destroyed building. He honestly looked like a corpse, and I thought he was until I walked up and he spoke up.

"Who are you? Oh, it doesn't matter, just help me open this door. I packed my tools in here, seeing it was vacant… but now somebody's gone and locked the door. I'm a blacksmith. I'm nothing without my tools. Bring me that key. Chop chop!"

"Woah, holy shit mate I thought you were a corpse literally ten seconds ago and you suddenly start throwing your bastory at me. You're gonna hafta chill with that boss."

"Hrmph. Just get my door open if you want my help. And my names Lenigrast."

"Aight, bet I'm Allen." I said, walking around to the window and jumping through. I looked at the door and flipped a switch on the inside beside the doorknob. With a click the door swung open. "Well?"

"Ah, yes, very good. Now I can get to work. But first, let me set up. Come again later."

"Alright, just a couple questions first. How long is it going to take for you to get set up? All I have is a couple knuckle dusters and I saw a fucking twelve foot tall ogre just a couple minutes ago."

"All you have to do it sit at the bonfire, and I'll be ready by the time you stand back up."

"Yeah, thats gonna be a problem. I can't stay high while at the bonfire, so fuck that shit."

"High?"

"Yeah, pot? Mary jane? Marijuana? Wacky tobaccy?"

"Not ringing a bell." The undead blacksmith sait, scratching his head and peeling a bit of the skin off.

"Oh hell nah, you gotta try this shit." I said, pulling up a box and pulling my pipe out of my bag. "So have you used a pipe before?"

"Aye, I've been around for a long time kid."

"Aight, so this is basically the same." Filling up the bowl and handing it to him as well as my zippo.

"What is this little thing?"

"Its a lighter, kind of like a tinderbox or flint, just open it and spin the wheel."

He did just that and was amazed by the small flame it produced before putting it into the pipe and sucking in. He was able to hold it for a couple seconds before falling into a coughing fit. The most amazing part about all of this? There were holes in his lungs that some of the smoke came out of. It actually looked pretty morbid.

"Hrrgk! That hits like a Catarinaian."

"I dunno what that means mate, but its good shit."

"Yes… its good shit." he said, handing me back the pipe.

"Alright, now I know you won't be doing anything. I might have made a mistake there, but oh well. Anyway, I'm gonna look around the town and see if there is anything interesting."

"Aye… Good luck…"

"Yeah, you good." I said, leaving him behind and looking around. I saw a woman standing beside a tree, a man sitting beside a large statue, and three buildings. I chose the far left building first.

Inside was a dark skinned man leaning on a small stool. His attire was mainly yellow and looked similar to a merchant's attire.

"Err, oh, hello there! W-welcome, to my shop. I-I'm Maughlin, and I sell armour. Oh, sorry, I… Please, do have a look at my wares. I could really use the business… If you'd be so kind…"

"Buddy, you gotta chill with that stuttering. I ain't gonna stab you or something."

"O-oh! I didn't mean to offend you. I'm j-just a humble shopkeep trying to make a living!"

"Aight, boss, what do you got for me?"

"W-well, take a look!" He said, waving his arm behind himself towards all the shields and armor laying around.

"Damn, all this shit looks super heavy to me. I don't think I can actually WEAR any of this." I said, inspecting each piece with my new magic eye. "Iron Parma...and its heavy as shit too. Yeah, I don't think I can use any of this. Got any chainmail?"

"C-chainmail?"

"Yeah, interlocking rings of metal formed into a vest or long sleeve."

"I would have to make a custom order… it'll cost you and take a while."

"Sick nasty, how much boss?"

"I'd say 10,000 souls?"

"Souls?"

"Yes, souls. W-wait, do you not know about souls?"

"Yeah, everyone's got a soul, do I have to give you my soul for items?"

"Well, yes and no. Every soul has a worth." He said, holding out his hand. In it, a glowing ball of white mist appeared. "You can trade these souls for items, but you can't trade your own soul."

"Oh shit, and how do I do that?"

"Y-you hold out your hand and think of how many souls you have."

"Alright… lesse here mate…" I said, holding out my hand. Only for nothing to happen. "I dont think.. Woah shit!" In the corner of my vision a small box appeared in it, it read '75,163,780'.

"Jesus fucking christ, how did I get so many souls?"

"W-well, you get souls from killing. Or you can find them or trade for them."

"Alright, well I only killed one hollow. How many souls does a hollow have?"

"Usually around 100."

"Then something fucky is going on. Eh, screw it, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. You said it'll take 10,000?"

"Y-yes. By the way… h-how many DO you have?"

"More than 10,000 my dude, here." I said, holding out my hand and causing a coalition of souls to form in my hand.

"O-oh! Thank you kindly! I-I'll get to work on it right away!" He said, getting up and grabbing a hunk of metal.

"Sick nasty my dude, I'm gonna go harass some other strangers and see what I can grab."

I left the building and made my way to the building beside it. It was locked, and I made a mental note to ask someone about that, as I was close to just tearing the door down or sneaking into one of the windows. Passing by I saw a well with a rock beside it, I touched the rock and it fell farther into the well.

"Heh, thats pretty- JESUS FUCK!"

And a body with a noose around its neck sprung up. It had a white glow around it. I reached out to touch it and a sliver of golden green glass appeared in my hand.

"I mean, if it appeared out of nowhere it hasta be important… Fuck it, into the bag it goes."

I rounded the corner and saw three little piglets grazing, the only problem was that they all appeared to be slightly decayed, so I skipped right past them to the next building. I opened the door to find a large persian cat sitting on the desk.

"Oh.. a human, are we?"

"KITTY!" I ran over to it and picked it up, scratching it behind the ears. "Whos a cute little fluffy ball of god-tier adorableness? You are! You cute little fucking beanbag of fluff."

"Oh! I- Oh yes right there! Wait no, ahhhhhh yes behind the ears... "

"You are so fucking cute… wait are you talking?"

"Yes, now don't stop now! It was feeling oh so good."

"Oh shit, I'm so sorry miss, I just saw a kitty and reacted, lemme set you down." I said, giving her one final scratch and setting her back onto the table.

"Now i didn't say you had to stop, but thats fine. What would an adorable human like yourself be doing here? And one with a delectable scent, might I add."

"Aww shucks, makin me blush. And hell if I know, I just woke up in a cave and found myself here. Last thing I remember was driving home from work."

"Hmmmm, that is peculiar. Oh, yes, you may call me Shalquoir. Enchanté."

"Enchanté mademoiselle chatte."

"Ohhh and a way with words, you're a fine catch aren't you?"

"Well, I do say I'm mighty handsome. Are you a shopkeeper by chance?"

"Why yes! I offer a variety of rings and items, would you care to take a look?"

"Absolutely! Now where is- woah shit."

Suddenly a text box appeared, listing various items and various tabs. First were rings, of which I bought all except the redeye ring and name-engraved ring. Of the items, I bought the prism stones and homeward bones.

"Thanks for the items, miss, By the way, would it be alright if I pet you every time I see you? I've got a fondness for cats. You're all so fluffy and soft that it makes me wanna cry you're so cute."

"Satisfied? I'll be around if you ever come back, and of course you can. I rather enjoy it actually, your hands have such a magical touch, must make several ladies _very_ happy."

"You know me, quite a charmer." I said with a grin, giving a final scratch under the neck before leaving.

"Aight, now what the fuck do I do next. I heard hammering from Maughlin's shop, and saw the blacksmith from before still in front of his, half asleep. As I passed by him I pulled out a bag of chips, opened them, and tossed them to him.

"Wha? Whats this then?"

"Its chips mate, you eat them."

"Undead don't need to eat… but thank you."

"Course, I get the munchies too you know. Might be tempted to eat those piglets if I cook them right. Don't know if its possible to eat them or if they'll just disappear. Anyway, peace boss."

I walked away and looked between the two figures left. There was the man sulking beside the statue, and the lady watching the ocean. Deciding on the lady, I walked up to her.

"Are you…the next monarch? Or… Merely a pawn of fate? Bearer of the curse… I will remain by your side. Till this frail hope shatters… Take this with you. May it ease your journey. Go on, and see the King. He who made Drangleic what it once was; he who peered at the essence of the soul. King Vendrick."

"Woah, another dump of info, thanks for that. Anyway, I'm not a beared of any curse, I'm just a human." I said, taking the small flask she gave me. "Hey, this kinda looks like that shard I found in the well…"

"Truly, you are not a bearer of the curse? Then give that back and begone. This is a place for the cursed to voyage and become a monarch, not for children to wander."

"Oi, first off, I'm probably older than you. Second, I'm not just wandering, I'm trying to find my way home." I said, handing the flask back and giving her the shard. "You might as well keep that then. I'm gonna go harass other people, if I die I'm haunting you."

I walked away as she started to say something, and walked up the stairs to the statue.

"Sup."

"You're not an undead… But you have the smell of irreversible fate… This is Majula. It is a kind of settlement… A place where life is almost normal. And in Drangleic these days, there are very few places like that. I am Saulden. And like you…I lost everything, and now I'm here."

"Alright, Im gonna stop your info dump there. Its honestly nice to meet a fellow depressed fucker in this land, mind if I sit next to you?"

"Uhhh.. sure. By all means." He said, patting the stone beside him.

"Thanks boss." I said, taking out a blanket from my bag, setting it on the stone, and sitting down. Next I pulled a blunt out of my bag and lit it up. "Here boss, you take a couple hits. It'll make you feel better."

"Umm, sure I suppose." He said, taking it and smoking. "It tastes strange, what is this? It doesn't smell or taste like tobacco, it reminds me more of swamp grass from the deep swamps."

"Its pot my dude, gets you real high."

"High? What do you- oh." He said, suddenly leaning back.

"Ayyyyy heh, feels good don't it boss?" I said, taking the blunt and smoking it.

"Its different, I'll admit that… You probably heard that it was possible to break the curse here. Well, that's not true at all. There's nothing here, for you, me, or anybody… Do you know much about souls? Even I'm not certain, but… I'm told that the soul is the essence of life itself. Anything living, sentient or no, supposedly has one. What we call the curse is traceable to the soul."

"Honestly, I've never heard of Drangleic before. I think I'm from a different world, because my entire world has been mapped and shit, we would know if there was an undead curse. Hell, I would love the undead curse from what I hear."

"Do you see what that means? To be alive…to walk this earth… That's the real curse right there. We Undead will never die. And that's quite a predicament, really…"

"Not sounding bad so far, death scares me, and I'm still human. So when I die there is nothing. I wont even KNOW I'm dead..."

"There are four beings in this land with giant souls. And wherever you go from here, you'll sooner or later come up against them. Each has a powerful soul, and a terrible curse… If that frightens you, then you ought to just give up right now. Like I have. Hah hah hah…"

"Honestly? I need to get home. I have a cat to feed and I doubt my roommate will remember to feed her. Little Jazz is probably crying out for me right now…" I said, tearing up.

"Do you ever cry out for help? The journey of an Undead is long and treacherous. You'll face invaders from other worlds at every turn. If you need help… Why not proclaim faith in the Blue Sentinels? When you face danger, the Blue Sentinels will come to your aid. Protection is yours, if you wish. You need only accept their kind embrace."

"Honestly, that sounds kinda like a cult. But it won't be the first time I've done that, what do I have to do?

"That is a wise decision. People are weak…But the Blue Sentinels watch over us in their benevolence. Let the Sentinels cradle you in their embrace." He said, taking my hand. As he held it, a blue ring appeared on my hand, next to the other three rings I got earlier.

"Ooooh shiny, I like it. Whats it do?"

"It will allow my fellow Blue Sentinals to come to your rescue when you are invaded."

"Invaded? Like pirates or vikings?"

"No, when one who follows the blood god comes to your world."

"You know, i've no idea what the fuck you're talking about, but I'll take the extra help. Thanks boss."

"Of course, friend, don't get yourself killed. Honestly, it would be safer to stay in town and wait for the chosen undead… its what I do."

"Yeah, but I'm not a fan of waiting like a princess for her prince. Maybe when I get my ass handed to me I will."

"Well, let me help you. Do you see the way beyond the bonfire? That will take you to the Forest of the Giants. There was once a great fort, but little of it remains. You may just find something there that will be of use on your journey. But don't venture too far inside, or you might not come back…"

"Aight, that works. That the easiest way I'm guessing?"

"Yes, Heide's Tower of Flame lies beyond the far gate. In the cathedral, the apostles of blue gather. But the road leading there is perilous. The gate is rigged with some contraption… But how it works, I just don't know…"

"I actually happen to have an engineering degree, I'll take a crack at it later."

"An engineering degree? You mean you've trained under a tinkerer?"

"Basically, I also know a bit about blacksmithing, had a Japanese friend teach me how. Made some fucking cool ass swords too. Ever use a katana?"

"A katana?"

"Yeah, curved swords my dude. They slice and dice, but I'm more a fan of European weapons and greatswords. Crush my enemies with strength rather than dexterity. Plus, works amazingly against armored opponents."

"You were given two hands, and you use both for your weapon. I respect that."

I looked at him weirdly for a second. "Did you just… nevermind, fuck it. I gotta go to that forest and see whats up. Thanks for the help boss, you can finish this." I said, handing him the rest of the blunt.

"Ah, thank you. I happen to like this feeling, makes me feel like before this adventure started…" He said, looking off into the distance.

"Yeahhhhh, alright. Peace boss."

"May you find peace on your journey…"

I got up, packed up my blanket, and went down the stairs. I thought of talking to the lady from before, but decided to ignore her. She was kinda bitchy and I wasn't in the mood to deal with her. I really liked the look of that flask too.


End file.
